More gags, one-liners and creativity quotes

Wherever I go, whatever I read, it seems I can't avoid bon mots, musings and quips. The things people say that make me think "I wish I'd said that".

You know the sort of thing - the witty comeback, or well-phrased barbed comment that I only ever think of about half an hour later.

Here are a few favourite ones I have heard, read or come across recently.

"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple, and learn to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen".
John Steinbeck

"I'm not a Catholic. But I gave up picking my belly-button for lint".
Emo Phillips

"Creativity is contagious. Pass it on".
Albert Einstein

"In the gym the other day I laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups, and woke up two hours later. I felt fantastic, so I treated myself to a frothy coffee and a chunky Kit-Kat".
Mickey Flanagan

"I can't understand why people are afraid of new ideas. I'm afraid of old ones".
John Cage

They might be right.

One of my favourite stories of the 60’s and 70’s Ad Men concerns Bill Bernbach.

A child of both the Bronx and the Depression, Bill rose from the mailroom to Chief Executive of Doyle Dane Bernbach, creating and developing an intelligent style of advertising that is recognised and respected even today.  

He is also credited with the idea of putting writers and art directors together as a creative team – until DDB they worked in separate departments. 

One of his personal quirks was that in client meetings, he would sometimes be seen to take out a small piece of card, read it, and place it back in his top pocket.

When a young intern once asked about the card, Bill took it out and revealed the words “They might be right”.

“They might be right”.

The client might be right. The critic might be right. The other opinion might be right.

Bill Bernbach never allowed his confidence in ideas to cross over into arrogance. He never assumed that just because he had an intelligent and elegant mind, no-one else had. 

He didn't presume that the client – or the account handler – couldn't have opinions every bit as valuable as his own.

Understanding that others might be right doesn’t stifle creativity, it adds to it.

It adds a questioning vigour. And an openness and willingness to consider new alternatives. It encourages us to listen to the opinion of others.

Of course, too many times “they” will want you to tone it down, to avoid risks, to try the same old same old.

But that way lies boredom, failure and anonymity.

Looking at things from a new perspective, from the point of view of others, can be a valuable route to new ideas. 

What would the client say if they were in the meeting now? What would our competitors say? What would Bill Bernbach say?

That way lies innovation, and the confidence in your own ideas that comes from having considered all angles.

They might be right. And so might you. 

A new social media site for people with something to say

This Sunday, professional speaker and creativity expert Kenny Harris of Headsurfing.com launches a new social media site offering "a place to be heard for those who never shut up".

"For quite a while, I've realised that Twitter and Facebook don't really offer enough space for people who like to witter on, and on, and on" said Kenny.

"The 140 character limit on Twitter, for example, is too restrictive for those who love the sound of their own voice - you know, Simon Cowell, people who call you "to discuss your energy needs", footballers' wives, and those idiots on The Apprentice.

Yes, Twitter does serve a purpose - if you have nothing to say, then Twitter is the place to say it".

The new site goes live at one minute past midnight on the evening of 31st March and has, said Mr Harris, "a new logo designed to make it stand out in the crowded social media chatmosphere".

The new site comes with a host of opportunities for interminable verbiage, including an area for baying at the moon, a special page called "You know I hate gossip but have you heard about ..." and plenty of room for Liberal Democrat MPs to tell us how they're really proud of what they're doing. 

Sunday's launch edition will also carry a music section, with reviews of classic pop and rock songs including "Fool To Cry" by The Rolling Stones, "April Come She Will" by Simon and Garfunkel, and "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who.

By the left, quick ... think.

I can't quite believe it's almost the end of the first quarter of 2012. I hope your year has gone well so far.

Mine hasn't started quite as I planned. A few days into January I had what is known in medical circles as "a wee scare".

I woke with strange pins and needles down the left side of my body, which qualified me for a visit from two very nice paramedics and a trip in an ambulance.

A few days in the stroke unit at Edinburgh Royal Infirmary, some investigation and tender loving care from a battalion of quite brilliant doctors and nurses, and now, a diet made up completely of food which is low in fat, low in salt, and very definitely low in flavour.

There was no advance warning, and in fact, no visual, long-term proof from the various tests I've undergone. But it seems I had some sort of stroke on the right side of my brain.

And my goodness, I've undergone some tests. MRI, Cat Scan, blood tests, urine checks, heart monitor, that one with the iodine to test for starch, a gentle popping noise to show the presence of hydrogen, and several flame tests to indicate positive metal ions.

Actually, I might have mixed some of those tests up with Alex and Ellen's Chemistry revision.

The upside (apart from surviving) was that I got to talk to a lot of doctors, including many who are specialists in the workings of the brain.

And guess what? It turns out that all that HeadSurfing stuff I've been banging on about - that actions you take with the left side of the body can help stimulate the right side of the brain - turns out to be right on the money.

One of the things that always intrigued me about the highly creative people I've been lucky enough to work with - the copywriters, art directors, graphic designers and stand-up comedians - was how many of them were left handed. In every agency I worked in, the proportion of lefties who worked in the creative department was always much higher than the general population, and the same was true of comics.

Following my "incident", the doctors and physios were keen for me to keep exercising the left side of my body, in order to rebuild and reconnect the nerve endings in the right side of my brain. And as the right side of the brain includes more of the centres which involve creativity, humour and ideas, it makes sense to me that stimulating those areas will help you come up with more ideas and more innovative solutions to your problems and challenges.

So if you'd like to develop your ability to think creatively, I'd urge you to take time to do things which engage more with the right side of your brain.

Yes, you could exercise the left side of your body - try writing or sketching with your left hand. But other activities could include listening to music, using colour rather than black and white, exercising rhythmically or watching or reading something that makes you laugh.

Me? I think it's important to develop the rational as well as the creative side of my brain, so I'm doing the John Travolta dance moves from Saturday Night Fever.

West Wing's President Bartlet on words and public speaking

We had to turn it off. As this week’s TV entered the eighth circle of Hell with yet another "scripted reality" show (in other words, complete unreality), we had to turn it off. 

Or rather, turn to the Box Set of “The West Wing” which we are watching yet again. The scene featured President Bartlet complaining about the presentation style of a preacher whose service they had just attended.

Bartlet himself is a superb speaker, with his scripts written and perfected by Toby and Sam. (Yes, I understand they are TV characters. I still love them). In the scene we watched, he talks about the possibilities of public speaking – if we take care to craft the words we use.

“Words, when spoken out loud for the sake of performance, are music. They have rhythm, and pitch, and timbre, and volume. These are the properties of music, and music has the ability to find us and move us, and lift us up in ways that literal meanings can’t”.

When you are next preparing a presentation, think about the actual words you will use. Try to add figures of speech, metaphors, alliteration – all the devices you learned in English class. Rhetoric – the art of crafting how you say things in order to enhance your powers of persuasion – is the mark of a great speaker, or great presenter.

There are several online sites about rhetoric – take a look, and improve your presentations by employing rhetorical tricks, tropes, and triples. (Yup, that was one – an alliterative triple).

Incidentally, don’t overdo it. The response from Bartlet’s wife (played by the incomparable Stockard Channing, the real attraction in “Grease”) is “You are an oratorical snob!”

Health campaigns save lives, and save money. So why cut them?

Unbelievable, isn’t it?

In response to a parliamentary question recently, Health Minister Simon Burns revealed that UK Government spend on health advertising this year has been cut from £60.3m to £4.2m. Not cut BY £4.2m, but cut TO £4.2m.

Even to my non-mathematical mind, that’s a cut of more than 90%. By any standards, it’s a hell of a cut.

That’s not surgery, that’s trauma. In fact, it’s sick. (And I don't mean sick as a good thing - "it's well sick, innit?"). 

Because if ever the argument “It’s not a cost, it’s an investment” applied, it is to health advertising. Health advertising works. It reduces illness. It saves lives.

Yes, we’re in a recession. A deep recession. So we should be looking for ways to save money.

But if you want to save money Mr Burns, you need to increase health advertising.

Health advertising isn’t a huge cost – but treating seriously ill patients is.

This came home to me at a Marketing Society event last year when I watched The Bridge advertising agency demonstrate the results of a small-scale, low-budget campaign to raise awareness of bowel cancer in (mostly) men over fifty.

The PowerPoint wasn’t great, but the results were. The NHS had sent out the usual self-testing kits, but in this case had also run an ad campaign designed to increase participation. And awareness had risen dramatically, both prompted and unprompted, all that marketing speak. And participation had increased dramatically too.

But most importantly, as more people had participated, many, many more instances of suspected cancer had been found. Pre-cancerous traces identified and treated – and therefore, lives saved.

But let’s forget about the lives saved. Let’s think like the Government think. Purely in financial terms.

Many of those people with pre-cancerous symptoms would have gone on to develop bowel cancer. These cancers are not only nasty, and potentially fatal, they are also expensive to treat. Very, very expensive.

It costs a lot more to treat someone once the cancer has developed than it does if it is caught at an early stage. Millions and millions of pounds. Certainly, a lot more than a few 48 sheet posters and TV commercials.

A 90% cut in the health advertising budget isn’t just short-sighted, it’s stupid.  It is saving a penny now to pay a pound later.

And in case you think this is a whine based on self interest, it isn’t. Well, not wholly. I don’t work in health advertising. I don’t work for an agency with health advertising business. But I do have an interest.

Because the presentation I saw last year finally convinced me to take my own testing kit out of the bottom drawer. No pun intended.

I fasted. I locked myself in the loo. Then I undertook the strangest sampling campaign I’ve ever been involved in.

And I sent it off. Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t usually post my poo. Well, except to Piers Morgan.

Back came the response – “we have some concerns”. Within a few days they had me in hospital, for a full “investigation”. You don’t want to know the details. No, honestly.

I was clear. And clean, as it happens. But if I hadn’t been “clear”, they could probably have treated it there and then. They may well have saved a life – they very definitely would have saved money.

You see, Mr Burns? It’s not a cost. It’s an investment. 

A joke I have loved since I was a kid

At a dinner in Glasgow recently the chat turned to jokes and gags from our childhood.

This is one I heard when I was a kid, and I've loved it ever since. I think I enjoyed the shaggy dog nature of the developing story, and how it grows and grows. I also love jokes like this which discuss different types of people - but turn our stereotypes on their heads.

Here we go.

This guy emigrates from Pakistan to Glasgow, and takes a flat in the South Side. He gets a job, works hard, and makes a success of himself.

After a while, he realises that the months have just flown by, and perhaps it's time to take a trip back home.

So he goes to his local railway station, and asks for a ticket to Peshawar. The ticket guy says "Peshawar? I can't sell you a ticket to Peshawar. You'll need to go to Glasgow Central for that".

So he takes a train to Glasgow Central, and asks the ticket man for a ticket to Peshawar. "Peshawar? You'll need to go to London for that, pal." says the ticket man.

When he gets to London, he goes to the Overseas ticket desk, and asks for a ticket to Peshawar.

"Sorry mate, the closest I can get you is Istanbul, on the Orient Express" he is told. So he gets on the Orient Express, changes in Vienna, and takes the train to Istanbul, where he goes up to the ticket desk.

"Peshawar?" says the ticket man. "Sorry, but the nearest I can get you is Kabul. Take a train to Kabul, and pick up a connection there". So he takes a train to Kabul, and goes up to yet another ticket desk. "Sorry my friend" says the guy at the ticket booth, "But I can only get you to the capital, Islamabad".

So he buys the ticket, and gets the train to Islamabad, where he finally manages to buy a ticket to Peshawar.

He has a great time. He stays with his mammy, attends a few feasts and celebrations, and goes to his sister's wedding.

Finally, after a few weeks with his family, he decides it's time to return to his new home in Glasgow.

So he goes up to the local station, and says "Can I have a ticket to Pollokshaws please?".

And the ticket man says "Pollokshaws East, or Pollokshaws West?".